To: Christina Muir
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 13:46:59 -0500
Subject: Thank You Sweet Friend

Dearest Christina,

My dear, sweet, loving friend. I was moved to tears when I received your email. I was blown away to learn that you attended this critical Lyme Senate Bill 596 hearing in Annapolis yesterday. I hope it's ok; I am forwarding your story about the hearing to my "Lyme List." (And to those of you receiving this email, Christina's "forward" lies beneath my response here.)

I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dear One. And on behalf of everyone else challenged with this disease, I know that they thank you and appreciate you too. I once gave a card to one of my healers that said: To the world, you are one person. To one person, you are the world. You mean the world to me, Christina. Thank you.

I feel horrible I was not in attendance, quite guilty actually. But with having the flu (or whatever this dang thing is) and my kitty being so ill I elected to stay home. So, enough guilt -- just have to let that go. The hearing inspired me, however, to email all of the senators with a link and cut and pastes from my web site. I was also moved to update my Lyme Page again with more info, along with more resources.

I pray that I am affecting change from "my own little corner of my own little world" with my web site, discussions with others, ongoing correspondence, networking and "advocacy/volunteer" whenever I am able. Perhaps being a performer, in the public eye, all of these years is paying off in ways I never imagined; ultimately, ways that are more important.

There is an enormous amount of denial, bull-headedness, red tape and lack of awareness and education about this epidemic -- well, pandemic. There is even a lot of denial among those of us afflicted with the disease because we can't believe we have it! (And that's due in part to how the disease has been weakly recognized in the community and because it takes years and years of getting diagnosed -- IF you get diagnosed. And in those years tons of doctors and others tell you are crazy and it's all in your head.) The Believing part is really hard. Especially when the infection thrives in your brain. So much suffering.

No one is immune; it lurks in every single person's environment, all year-round. There are so, so many misconceptions and prehistoric understandings about this disease. So many get locked in to outdated thinking and believe that is Truth. I suppose it's just like any other disease that has had to move up thru the ranks until it establishes credibility. But this seems different somehow, as Ticks are as common as ants, and everyone is at risk in such a massive way. And to think that ticks have thrived on the earth and people have been infected for millions of years. Many, like me, never knew that they had Lyme and some never will.

Despite all, I believe that The Tick brought me a great gift; a gift in suffering. I have learned, grown in ways I never thought imaginable. I am connected to Source, to others in a place of Truth and compassion that I never knew before. The Tick helps me step out of my "own little corner of my own little world" and escorts me to the Grand Connection with others. It's about all of us.

The Tick teaches that there is a difference between pain and suffering; they are not the same. And that everyone's suffering is different, and there is no hierarchy. Yes, some have it better, some have it worse, but the truth is, those of us who have it, have it. I've had to learn this. Our experience is our reality. The Tick teaches me patience, acceptance, self-care, boundaries, on and on and on and on. The Tick teaches me that if I don't take care of myself, I am not able to "be" with others.

Lyme Disease teaches me that I am not the only one affected by the disease; everyone else in my life is affected, too, and each of those persons has his or own experience with it. I am trying to learn compassion for their experience, too. That's where compassion for others comes in, even amidst our own suffering. That's a tough one, but essential, critical, actually, in the healing process. Even when we feel abandoned or angry with others in the process, we must learn that others are helping in the only way they know how, making decisions that hurt us but are best for them, whatever. The key piece here, is, if they are taking care of themselves -- even if it hurts us -- it is most often in the highest not only for them, but for us, too. This is not just a physical voyage, but an emotional and spiritual one as well, and each of us is a pioneer. It's about all of us.

Like you so wisely said, we take on a heritage of what it means to have Lyme -- or any disease, for that matter. Just like we take on a heritage of what marriage means, or anything else. There are conventional understandings that come with the package. But it is up to each of us to write our own story of what it means. Our own definitions of what our experience means. Our own visions, our own processes. Thank you for helping me write my story, for helping all of us write our stories.

With love and infinite gratitude, Byrdie

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On Fri, 11 Mar 2005 00:19:36 EST Christina Muir writes:

Hey Byrdie,

I actually went to the Lyme Bill hearing today for a couple of hours. I got a Lyme green ribbon pin for you ;) Of course, the color for Lyme awareness is Lime green! Your message along with very sad intense dreams in the morning about the hearing prompted me to go. It was interesting to see the political machine at work. The committee was very sympathetic to the Lyme cause, with one senator and one secretary speaking about having Lyme themselves. Also lots of testimonies from Marylanders and from other supportive people in NY, PA and VA. The hearing was very well attended. Mostly the talk seemed to be around identifying what was the right approach for Legislation. It really is such an enormous, circular mess it's hard to know what angle of approach is effective. Educating doctors, educating people, changing protocals, insurance bull headedness, the lack of definitive testing, the detrimental health cost of delaying treatment while searching for diagnosis, Doctor's getting pinpointed and hastled by insurance companies finger pointing...? On and on...I wished you were there. I think you'd have good insight into best approaches. I also think there are people involved in this movement who you would like, and connect with. Smart, focused, effective people...just a feeling. The girl I stood next to in the hearing was 30 and she has Lyme. She's feeling well enough now to be in school to become a Lawyer...She reminded me of you...smart.

Thanks for your message about the many ticks...I actually got out the the Lyme books you gave me and looked up about it too. Thanks for these good resources! I was sorry if my question got you feeling tired last night, but it sounds like it spurred you later in a good way.

Love you, sweetie!!

Yeah, let's have dinner tomorrow (friday) if you feel good.

Christina

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From: LymeDAESM@aol.com
Date: Sat, 5 Mar 2005 07:29:15 EST
To: LymeDAESM@aol.com
Subject: MARYLANDERS-Annapolis Needs Your Support!!

MARYLANDERS:
ANNAPOLIS NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT!

As you may be aware Senate Bill 596 (Introduced by Senator Richard Colburn, Dyson, Jacobs and Stoltzfuz will be heard this Thursday, March 10th at 1:00 PM. Senator Colburn's office is overwhelmed by the response of Lyme patients and other affected people (friends, family, etc.)....although....not too many testimonies from MARYLANDERS. We know how busy you are and how sick we are, but it's time to speak up!! Let's protect our doctors so we can get help in Maryland. Go to httpww.LymeInfo.net/marylandlymedisease.html to get the list of Senators' e-mail, faxes and/or addresses. Remember, they need to be received by March 8th. Even something short goes a long way!

Now....another newsflash........

We have just found out that House Bill 1323 (introduced by Delegate Conway, Bozman, Cane, Elmore, Haddaway, Rudolph, Sossi and Walkup) entitled Task Force to Study Lyme Disease is being heard FRIDAY, MARCH 11TH. To read this Bill and contact your Delegates, go to http://mlis.state.md.us click on Bill Information and Status and fill in House Bill 1323.

January-February, 2004
The Reconstructive Phase

For those who are new to my newsletter, thank you for allowing me to bring you quickly up to date; I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease on May 1, 2002, after many, many years of misdiagnoses. My last performance before meeting this challenge was on Friday, September 6, 2002. I stubbornly continue a rigorous recovery with my heart set on returning to the musical community.

I receive many warm, kind and gentle email inquiries asking how I'm doing. I am touched by every single one of your messages. As much as I'd like to individually respond to each of you, I simply just can't do it. Ok, I give; I can't keep up with my email anymore -- no matter how hard I've tried. It frustrates me that I can't keep up, but I know many of you are in the same boat, so I hope you understand and don't take it personally if you do not hear back from me. Please rest assured that I read and deeply appreciate every single one of your notes. I print and save many of them for my box of inspirational keepsakes. Maybe when I have some help with email, I'll be able to manage a little better. For now, here's the latest update in an effort to respond to so many of you sweet souls:

Let's begin with some good news! There is no "conventional" test that confirms that the Lyme bacteria/spirochete is 100% eradicated. This sounds like not-so-good news, but the good news is this: Recent "state of the art" tests, in tandem with ongoing clinical observation, is "enough to say" that there is no "active" infection present in my body "at this time." Recent consults with an endocrinologist and a rheumatologist have also contributed to this opinion and to a follow up rule-out procedure. There are "alternative" tests that do, however, give a more accurate indication of whether or not there is active infection. This is encouraging news, indeed! However, "here lies the rub:"

First, since the disease was not caught early, in the initial stages of infection, we were not able to launch a preemptive strike against the bacteria proliferating and causing a systemic breakdown. Second, the conventional treatment protocols, although helpful, did a lot of harm to my body. So, I am not out of the woods yet. To sum up and to clarify (as best I can, in considering the complexity of Lyme Disease), I'll try to explain a little further for those of you who face this challenge, have a friend or loved one who is struggling with Lyme, have an acquaintance affected by the disease, or who are simply curious.

It is my understanding, and as many of you may already know now, that Lyme disease is not necessarily "curable," but it is "manageable." If caught and treated early with several weeks of antibiotics, your chances of being okay are very high or even guaranteed. In my case, however, like so many others, a diagnosis was not confirmed until many, many years after initial infection (and probably reinfection), so the bacteria had plenty of time to entrench itself into my Central Nervous System (nerves, brain, etc.), muscle, connective tissue, eyes, ears, you name it.

During antibiotic treatment, the bacteria die-off leaves in its wake an assortment of devastating "byproducts" (toxins) which accumulate and result in chronic discomfort and fatigue. To further complicate this picture, one year of oral antibiotics along with 8 months of daily intravenous antibiotic infusions, in combination with a roster of other medications (some to offset the side effects) added to the heap of toxins that the Lyme infection already left behind. So, there you have it. "Domino Effect." Liver and adrenals working overtime. This "state of affairs" is commonly referred to as "Post-Lyme Syndrome."

I prefer to refer to (nice rhyme) "Post-Lyme Syndrome" as the "Reconstructive Phase" of my recovery process. ("We Can Rebuild Her!") Has a much more positive ring to it, don't you think? My healing regimen includes of a "combo platter" approach to therapy which addresses pain and fatigue management and detoxification from both Lyme and medication consequences. The menu at present includes weekly acupuncture, NEAT, Kinesiology, daily Epsom salt baths, psycho-spiritual-emotional therapy, ample water intake, energy work and massage. System drainage.

As my strength builds, with a Doctor of Acupuncture & Chinese medicine at the helm, treatment will next target my neurotransmitters and endocrine system, with focus on my adrenals system. The next stage will strive for weight loss, more detox and nutritional stabilization using Chinese medicine remedies: a detox liquid diet (to prepare for solid diet), new nutritional guidelines and physical therapy (whether it be traditional physical therapy, walking, yoga or whatever best suits the bill when the time gets here). Some have asked why this phase was not implemented earlier; the answer is simple: My body could not take it -- it wasn't and still isn't strong enough. For now, we are still trying to "drain" the system. Baby steps. The detox process must be gentle, thus needing time to be effective. (This is my preference and opinion, at least.)

When will the next phase happen? Soon. What does "soon" mean? Don't know. But whatever it means, it's "ok." I trust the flow of life. Considering I've been struggling for more than a decade, if "soon" means one year, or two years, I'm ok with it. Time is nothing when Now means everything. Who knows, I might be surprised to discover that "soon" comes along more quickly than I anticipated. I believe in miracles. For the rest of my life, I will nurture, nurture, and nurture to feel the best I can so I can lead a normal life.

And in the spirit of "Baby Steps" and leading a "normal life," I am taking walks when the weather permits, and I am much, much more independent now. I have advanced to managing essential daily living tasks and staying awake during the day -- going back to bed less often. Grocery shopping may result in a 4-hour nap, but I'm happy I'm doing it. Some days are "bed" days, and some day's aren't. But it sure beats EVERY day in bed! (Although I'm sure that sounds pretty darn sweet to some of you rushing around right now.) :) Wink. My intellectual/cognitive abilities are sharpening. And my sense of humor? Fully operational. Sassy as before. :) See? Some things really don't change.

I hope this wee synopsis helps to answer many of your questions. There are links to other Lyme Disease web sites on my resource page. PLEASE visit them; protect yourself and the ones you love.

December, 2003
Celebrate Gently

My healing continues along beautifully, and I'm excited to share good news: I'm progressing. I'm writing, reading, driving and walking up to one mile a day now. I am weaning off of most of my medications. My pain is decreasing. My head is clearing. My sense of humor remains intact. :) I enjoyed a splendid visit to the mountains last weekend, and enjoyed the delicious company of good friends, hot cider and hearty belly laughs.

My "resurrection" back into the world (feeling something like emerging from a cocoon) is a gentle and slow one, but I'm grateful for every step. I'm beginning to feel my little byrdwings again. I'm learning that the healing ascent does not comprise one smooth, solid linear line, but rather, it is a jagged arrow pointing toward the sky -- a few strides forward, a few strides backward. But compared to baseline? I'm light years beyond where I was one year ago.

This morning, I wrote. I smiled. I sighed. I watched the sun on my kitty's face. I wore my PURPLE pajamas. I am happy. I am simple. I am! I feel so much joy and Love:) Truly I do. I am changed for the better. I am not the same. Life is not the same. I am glad. I owe much of my healing to you all -- your continual support, love, encouragement, affirmation and trust in my strength. Keep those cards and letters comin'! They're soul food. :) See you soooooooooon

(*Humorous Antecdote: Entitled, "SPLAT!":.... I finished composing this email and tucked it away in my "outbox" to send to you later. Between that time and right now, I managed to fall flat out on the pavement and sprain my ankle. I'm not in crisis; I'm in "crutches." Gotta laugh. When I left the emergency room on Monday morning, the nurse said to me with a knowing smile, "now you really have to slow down for the holidays." I giggled to myself, because less than a week before, I recognized that I was "pushing my pace" in my new found energy and in the excitement surrounding it. I thought, I better slow down. I should not push. It just takes too long to recover when I do. But I kept testing my limits -- an old pattern. :) My healer affirmed this by saying "you're like someone who comes into a whole lot of cash and spends it all at once. Gentle, Mary, gentle." Well, I'm slowed down alright. No more walks for a while. But I sure appreciate the little reminder.:) So, I'll pass it along to you. Slow down, before you are slowed down. Harmonious holidays to you all, friends. Celebrate gently.)

November, 2003

I'm going to spare you the play-by-play, dramatic details this month and keep it short, sweet and simple. :) Wink. The bottom line? The most important stuff? I am finding peace everyday. I will always have everything I need, because there is Love. The rest is up to Time. :). Hanging in there, and holding on! Thanks for all of your good vibes!

I will begin with a little cut and paste from last month's update. (Please excuse me!) My recovery process from chronic Lyme Disease -- the "invisible disability" -- continues, and I still hold hope and the will to fight this insidious disease so I can be strong enough to travel and perform again. I am determined! I want to come back!

The sad truth is, there are no "steadfast" and reliable treatments or "cures" for folks who have the "chronic" variety of Lyme Disease and who have been misdiagnosed with other diseases (that Lyme imitates) for many, many years. It is a long upward battle and a continuous course of trial and error -- a few steps forward, a few steps back. I am continually surfing, riding the waves as they come and go. But, I continue to strap on my boots, saddle up and visit the next watering hole until I am no longer thirsty.

More recently, since I last wrote you, I've been straddling a fence... in a place of transition, a shift of sorts. Don't know where things are headed. New blood tests and infections point to possible new "co-disease" which means more tests, new specialists -- rheumatologists, endocrinologists. Lyme is taking one big systemic hit on my whole body.

But something inside of me tells me I'm headed in a solid direction, even though I've really been in a place of "paralysis," caught between polarized opinions between conventional and alternative medicine. As more information about Lyme Disease floods the Internet, the index of controversy rises. Lyme Disease is still one huge question mark. There is NO test to 100% confirm the existence or eradication of infection.

So, I sit in the middle with a furrowed brow and stacks of research by my bedside. The same answer keeps coming to me. All I can think of, over and over again, is INTEGRATION. "Both" seems to be the only answer. This means another round of antibiotics supported by detox measures advanced by alternative medicine. This also means more time and more money. So be it. Acceptance is good medicine.

This period of "immobilization" has been depressing and I have felt hopeless and vulnerable at times, but there is a frequency within my core that continues to flow: it is Faith, it is Knowing. Wherever I go, it is ok. I'll keep you posted. In the meanwhile, EDUCATE yourself, your friends, your families, your loved ones. It is ALWAYS tick season. They are not just in the woods. You can prevent this little arachnid from destroying someone's life. Everyone is at risk. It is an under reported, potentially life threatening epidemic.

I know one thing. I played my guitar today and I sang. It felt great. Didn't sound bad, either. I'll never give up.

I miss you all.

I am still resolute in my quest for healing. My will is steadfast and unyielding. Deep, sincere thanks to all of you who continue to contribute to my wellness -- in every way, shape and form. I send you all Love.

Many think Lyme Disease is just a little bug you get and you get over it. It has reached epidemic proportions comparable to AIDS and the Center for Disease Control under reports because doctors are uneducated. The disease is in EVERYONE's yard. It's tragic, and it needs to change. I'm doing my part, so thanks for helping by participating in reading if you get around to it -- if you're interested. Good for kids to know about it, too -- and grandkids. :) Wink.

I'm still not performing fulltime. Haven't since 9/7/02. Need lots of recovery and physical therapy before I can think about getting back out there fulltime again. I miss everyone. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I hope to at least make "mini" appearances doing a song or two here and there until I'm built up again. I'm going to get back out there, one way or another." I did appear for two songs on June 29th at Inner Source's 10-year Anniversary Celebration. It was a triumph. I am grateful for my first little step back into the world. Let's hope they keep on coming. Every tiny step is a victory.

As I've told a friend lately, "I'm coming along pretty well, despite my life turning upside down and all around -- relationships, career. I pray a lot. But all of the gifts, love, lessons, growth, transformation outweighs the unfortunate pieces of this challenge. I say that honestly -- despite any suffering. I think I might finally be turning the corner -- stronger, wiser, more grounded, more connected, more giving, more full of faith, more evolved with more self respect and compassion than ever. The "monsoon" finally returns to it's nesting place in the clouds; the sun is showing it's face again; and I have a new little "spring" in my step." I may have a long way to go, but at least I have the journey to live.

Well, big hugs, my friends. I hope this little letter finds all of you plugging along at a peaceful pace, and finding joy, Love and abundance in every single little way and in every single grateful day.

At present, as of July 2003, I am seeing a doctor of Ancient Chinese Medicine who is treating Lyme Disease with a variety of alternative methods. He believes that remedies lie in antiquity; so do I. This treatment's platform relies on the belief that the immune system contains the innate ability to heal itself when "trained to change." We are training my immune system to recognize the Lyme organism, toxins, and co infections as "invaders" and to go after them on it's own. Some of the healing methods include a unique mixture of muscle testing, acupuncture, NEAT (neuroemotional testing) and much more. Epsom salt baths and weekly massage also help my pain level and to help flush toxins. I am still consulting with my Lyme Doctor, who practices conventional methods of treatment. "Both/And" is my motto.

I am now reading again; my memory is improving;I am driving around the neighborhood;playing my guitar and walking without a cane. All of these small steps are huge triumphs. Wow, I really took a lot for granted. What I'd do to play a game of frisbee or hike in the mountains again. I've literally progressed from being non-ambulatory to being up and around in little chunks of the day. This past year, I've pretty much been incapacitated until recently. My neurological symptoms show the most improvement, although I still live in another time capsule.:) What day is it? I still have a lot of edema (swelling) and joint, tissue and muscle pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm on fire. Some days I can walk ok, sometimes I can't. I will need lots more time for physical recovery -- therapies like gentle yoga, light weights, pedaling, walking, and stretching. Only once my muscles are stronger do I feel confident and comfortable enough to return to the stage fulltime.

What have I learned? Well, I'm saving most of this for my book. :) I'm learning the insurance game. :) Balance. Balance. Balance. I am learning to learn to live comfortably with the "unknown." I am learning patience, to accept this recovery is painstakingly slow -- a few steps forward, a few steps back. I am given an opportunity to literally live "here and now." That's the only way I can live sanely and peacefully. There are so many gifts in all of this. I am closer to my family, my heart is opening, my compassion for others is deeper; I am discovering my authentic self. I appreciate the beauty in simplicity -- the beauty in leaving things out. My connection to the Universe is deeply clear, like a mountain lake where you can see the bottom. I am changed. My music will stay with me, but I know that I will return to performance differently. Time will tell. I simply Love more than ever before. Love is all of you -- family, friends, colleagues, and supporters. Your energy, your connection, your compassion is what fills my soul and keeps me feeling connected. I am learning about giving and receiving. About boundaries. About living.

With the cooperation of my stubborn brain, eyes and fingers, I hope to fill you in quickly on what's going on here in my little world. I am still fighting severe, late stage Lyme disease. The fight continues, my resolve remains. Bottom line prognosis? Don't really know. I'm simply learning to be comfortable with not knowing. Do know that it will take a long time. Do also know that I'll need to recover from toxicity even after treatment (better known as Post-Lyme Syndrome). When folks ask how I am, I reply: "...at this very moment I am..." I shift from second to second, like a chameleon. All I know is, I know, from inside of my core, I'll be ok.

I still am receiving home health care (nurse). I began intravenous antibiotics on September 11. I still have a PICC line in my arm (a peripheral intravenous central catheter) that permanently remains in my arm so that I can administer my own IV (intravenous) antibiotic every day. I'm sure many of you are familiar with this type of IV therapy. The tube is threaded from my biceps, thru my shoulder and straight into a main artery in my heart. Miracle of science! I'm on a slew of other medications, too. I may also have two other tick-borne co-infections which complicates treatment and prognosis. Will find out soon. I am also engaged in a long-term campaign against a systemic yeast(candida) infection. I am in chronic pain, I am not ambulatory most of the time. I don't get out much; I am very isolated. But I've learned to cherish the quiet. Yes, I stay enlightened most of the time, and I see my Purpose, my gifts, my blessings in all of this clearly. I think most of you know me well enough to know that I don't assume the "victim" role. But, I do come from the Church of "Real," and the Church of "Both/And." Having this insidious, mysterious disease is both an incredible opportunity AND a big pain in my butt. (Putting it gently.):) So there it is. That's it in a very small nutshell. It's much more complicated, but this is the Reader's Digest version. I speak nothing but the truth here; no sugar coating it.

How's about giving yourself and your loved ones a huge gift this season? Get educated on the beast who lives in your back yard, among stone walls, under leaf litter and EVERYWHERE. It's called a "Tick." It can live year-round. It can give you a mild flu or no symptoms at all, and it's curable if you catch it early enough. But it can also disable you or even kill you if you don't. It's serious. The tiny beast is as small as the period at the end of the sentence. The tiny beast who can change your life forever is a MONSTER. Find out about it on: http://www/lyme.org . Or pick up a copy of "Everything You Need to Know About Lyme Disease." You can find used copies on http://www.amazon.com .

Thank you for all of your cards, emails, donations and love. I simply cannot respond to everyone as the "Giver" in me wishes she could, but please rest assured that I receive all of your kind gestures and they bring sunshine to my bedside every day. I've shed enough tears for a million people -- your love, support, kindness, gentleness moves me from one day to the next. My gratitude extends beyond light years. Thanks for the fund raisers, the food, the smiles -- everything. There really isn't a thank you big enough. So, I guess I'll just have to get well and thank you with getting back out there, yes?

And while we are on the topic of thanks. Please rest assured that I am well cared for. There's a circle around me that's steady and strong. Let's send love and infinite thanks to my family; my soulmate and partner, Andrew; my musical sisters and brothers; the great guys who come over and "fix stuff" and make me laugh; and my close sisterhood of girlfriends. Thank God for Purple. While I'm at it, if you run into Christina Muir, please give her a huge hug and thank her? She's been taking care of me nearly every day, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. She continues without fear, without -- not even once -- questioning my resolve, my competency, or my strength. She is relentless in the face of it. She's gone beyond the call of duty. Thank you, Christina. Thank you all -- all of my healers. I better stop now; there are too many of you to thank, and I sure don't want to miss anyone. :) You know who you are. You know.

I realize there's so many of us out there faced with some really, really difficult challenges -- losses, illness, etc. I've discovered more than ever, how "un-alone" I am. It's my own reaching out to others who also have tough battles, when I have the strength & energy, even on my darkest days, that brings me joy and healing. My neighbor and good friend just lost his dear partner in life --his lover -- his wife -- his best friend -- to cancer. I adore both of them so much. I respect them, and I've learned so much from them. One day, I hobbled over there with my psychedelic cane (in my pajamas -- somewhat amusing) and brought my neighbor some great CDs of healing music, some books, flowers. I left feeling a lot better than I did when I left the house only minutes before. I'm sure most of you already practice this medicine. :)

I apologize if I come across as if lecturing or preaching. (I can't think of the other word that is more appropriate.) I'm simply telling you that it's tough, and I know it could be worse. I want you to know that I just can't be who I wish I could be for people right now; perhaps that's the hardest part. I just have to have faith that those who truly care will understand. This is a big lesson. I want you to know I'm still out here, and I'm still writing. I'll never stop. This I know, now. I'm almost finished a beautiful song entitled "Under The Lantern." I'll hold off on the descriptive details; I want to surprise you. I've been writing it since April 17, right before I began treatment in May, but at least I'll have one new piece to share with all of you when I get my sassiness back on stage. Can you believe it's been almost eight months....? I can't.

I realize how personal this is, but I'm really not afraid of being *seen* anymore. We all feel a lot of these things, and I think we'd all be a lot better off sometimes if we shared them. Maybe. I will just sit here and hope that I haven't made a complete fool out of myself. :) I've always had a knack for just "saying it like it is" (i.e. "bucket mouth") so I guess some things remain consistent. :) Geez, tomorrow morning I'm going to look at this and smack myself over the head with my cane. Something about these late night hours...and being by myself on Christmas night. It's as if I see right thru the sky.

Needless to say, I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to TRULY live "Here & Now." Literally, one second at a time. The status quo makes it rather challenging to plan things, so my gig schedule is planned on a "wait and see" basis. I appreciate everyone's patience -- presenter and audience alike. It's huge of you to work with me like you are. You're a blessing. Thank you.

The gig schedule that is arriving in your inbox comes with a big attachment: MAYBE. So far, I'm viewing each performance date (already planned from way back) as a goal, not necessarily an obligation -- an obligation is impossible, I'm afraid to say. That is all I can promise. I really don't like to write "blank checks." If I can show, I'll show. If I can't, I promise you that there will be beautiful, top-shelf music waiting for you at the venue. In the meanwhile, I'm holding a strong vision past this place I'm in. I'm going to TRY as long as I know what that little"3 letter word" means. :) I am doing the best I can. I can't try any harder.

Please, if you have the time and energy and you can find it in your heart to attend these shows, whether or not I am there, it would mean the world to me. You are not only supporting me, in spirit, but more importantly, you are also helping to keep a great tradition like First Fridays at 49 West alive and well, and you are supporting my loved ones and friends who are filling my shoes and carrying the weight. You are supporting "The Whole." I know Andrew would be touched and deeply grateful to see your smiling face. He's really had a rough road this year, too. Most of all, please help me keep EVERYONE'S live music, original songs from the art, thriving and blossoming.

In healing & peace, Mary